The Lies We Tell Ourselves
by Lanierose442
Summary: Had this idea floating around in my head for a while. JJ and Emily, not romantic, just JJ making Emily realize what life is really about. Super bad at summaries, take a look inside! I don't own anything CM or affiliated content.


JJ loved Emily, not in a romantic way. In the platonic way that friends have when they would do anything to be there for them. But after Emily came back for one week, and pretended like all was good, JJ couldn't handle that. She couldn't just stand by and take the misplaced anger, the confusion she had for her friend. The blond watched Emily hug Garcia for the fifth time in the team's farewell. When Emily was done JJ waited for her. Before the brunette could make her leave, JJ interjected, "Can I take you to the hotel? I only had one margarita an hour ago, so I'm good to drive."

Emily shook her head, "Oh, I can just catch a cab Jayje. You don't need to go out of your way!"

JJ chuckled, "Can you just let me make sure you get back safe? Please Em?" JJ almost got caught up in the old days, in the comfortable familiarity. She almost forgot why she was so upset. Almost.

The brunette resigned herself, she knew how persistent JJ could be. "Okay, you can take me. I don't even want to think about the smell of a cab right now." Both women laughed at her remark.

Most of the car ride was spent talking about JJ's family, London, and Marc. When they got to the hotel, instead of JJ pulling into the drop off area like Emily expected, JJ pulled into a spot and put her SUV in park. "JJ, you don't have to come in. It's late, you should get back to your family."

JJ rolled her eyes at her friend, "What? Can't a girl make sure her friend gets in safe?"

Emily laughed, "Sure, but no funny business, okay?" The brunette quipped. Once Emily got her hotel door unlocked, she motioned for JJ to go in before her. "So why did you really come up with me?"

JJ sighed, "That obvious?" Emily raised her signature eyebrow and nodded slightly. "Emily, I'm having… an issue." Emily saw JJ look as though she was torn on what to say. Emily gave her a minute to collect her thoughts and waited for a follow-up. When she saw JJ open her mouth to speak and close it again, she knew this wouldn't be an easy conversation for either of them.

Emily took a chance to help her open up, "Come in and sit down." She followed JJ to the small sitting room of her hotel suite. "What's going on?"

Finally, JJ seemed to get her voice again, "Why didn't you take the job back when Blake left?"

Emily was speechless, she knew this wasn't fully about what her blond friend was feeling, but if it could part of it she had to answer. She wasn't proud of her answer. "I couldn't come back. I couldn't do that to myself." The brunette saw a flash of anger in her friend's eyes. She knew she hadn't said that right. "No, wait." She took a breath to organize her thoughts. "I just left for my own reasons; it wasn't you guys. It was never you guys. You guys were the closest thing I've ever had to a family."

JJ looked hurt, "Then why? What was so awful that our team needing you, your alleged family needing you, couldn't bring you back? Not even temporarily?"

Emily was hurt at her friend's use of the word '_alleged_,' "I said this to Morgan before I left; I just couldn't grab on to my old life and pretend like nothing happened. I was still too hurt to be back. I have a pattern. I run when I get scared because that's all I was taught." Emily was exasperated at this point.

Now, JJ got genuinely angry, "That's a crock of shit Emily. Our whole jobs are proving how taught behavior influences people. How many killers have we come across kill because they were taught that? Like 3, 4 _**maybe**_? What you were taught did not make the woman that loved us so deeply she saw us as her only family!"

Emily, was getting angry at the interrogation, "And how many killers have we caught that were taught violence as their only resource?"

JJ stopped her friend from continuing, "And how many abused kids _**don't**_ become killers? How many normal people just snap and kill? You can't use statistics to justify your actions, because to me, to us, you aren't a statistic. You're our friend! …Or, at least you were."

Emily's heart broke, she knew anger was a secondary emotion, but she didn't know that hurt was JJ's primary emotion. "JJ, I left because I had never felt a family like I did with you guys. Not with my parents, I was just a political asset to them, and to Interpol the first time, I was just an espionage asset. But the BAU was… different. You guys, loved me, and showed me how to love you back. And then, with Doyle," She shivered at his name, "I nearly got myself killed, but under that I was so afraid while I was dying, that you were next. That all of you would be shot in your homes, or blown up in cars, or sniped through the conference room windows." Emily was crying now, the remembrance of her fear, and her helplessness too overwhelming for her. "I was so scared JJ. That is not something I am comfortable with. I thought I was so strong, but you, my family, were my weak point. And you were in danger. And then suddenly all that danger was gone, but I wasn't me anymore." Emily broke down into sobs, JJ was stunned at the emotional break for her usually stoic friend.

"You didn't even tell me goodbye." JJ nearly whispered, "You told everyone you were leaving, at my wedding, but not me. Em, I didn't know you were gone until the next week, when I came back, and your desk was empty! God, do you know how much that hurt me?" JJ was crying now too.

"You were so happy Jayje, and I wasn't going to ruin that. You deserved that happiness. I wanted our last memory together to be as us dancing, laughing, not some tearful goodbye. I needed that light, your light, if I was going to make it. I just needed a touch of it to keep me going."

JJ's jaw dropped and her anger flared again, "Our last memory? Did you_** ever**_ plan to come back? Don't you dare fucking lie to me now."

Emily looked down, "I didn't think I would need you guys. And I knew you didn't need me." She looked up into the icy fury of blue eyes, "I was afraid I would get you guys hurt, or hurt myself, but I needed your help this week. I lost a friend; I _killed_ a friend."

"What about the friend we lost?! Twice?!" JJ stood and began pacing, the anger bubbling inside her, "AND WHAT ABOUT WHEN WE NEEDED YOU EMILY? WHAT ABOUT THE COUNTLESS TIMES WE'VE DROPPED EVERYTHING TO HELP WHEN YOU ASKED?" JJ was screaming at Emily now, "That was so selfish Emily, don't act like you did all this for us. You can't lie to yourself with me. I won't let you. You can't let yourself be tricked into thinking you did all this for us. You did this for yourself because, as you say," JJ got a venomous look, "It's all you've been taught."

Emily wasn't even angry, she was sad. She knew JJ was right. She did all that she did because she was afraid. She wasn't afraid for them; she was afraid for herself. She was afraid of being hurt. She never let anyone into her world, but the team burrowed their way in, and she loved it, she loved them. And it killed her both times to leave. She dropped her head into her hands, "Why am I like this?" She whispered to mostly herself, but JJ had also heard. Big, reddened brown eyes looked up into blue. "What about me is so broken that I do this to the people I love?" She was practically begging JJ to answer her.

JJ's heart broke, she knew she shouldn't have been so harsh, but she didn't see another way to break through to Emily. She sat back down and rubbed her crying friends back, "Emily, look at me," JJ was back to being calm and comforting, "You are not broken, you've experienced trauma after trauma. It's to be expected for you to have interpersonal relationship issues. But I had to get you to see how far into your own lie you've fallen." The blond pulled her friend into a hug. Emily fell into it and held on to the smaller blond for dear life as sobs wracked her body again. JJ soothed her friend until she calmed some. "Emily, look at me." She lifted the brunette's chin to make her hold eye contact, "Just promise me, promise you will come back. Promise you'll be my bright-eyed, secretly nerdy and oh so genius friend that used to brighten my life as much as I brightened hers." This time JJ sounded desperate.

Emily held eye contact; this was the woman who managed to find a way to break through every wall Emily had ever had. The one who's endless optimism and light had seeped her way into Emily's life. How could she deny her friend that solace? How could she deny herself that? Hadn't she hurt herself enough? Emily gave a weak smile, "I promise JJ. As soon as I can, I will come back to you guys, my family, in one way or another." Little did she know that just months later it would be as Acting Unit Chief.

_**Fin**_


End file.
